minorrockstar

My New Neighbors

2009-11-14T13:46:00.000-05:00

Nothing is less arousing
than that goddamn white trash olympics
on our collective front lawn.

I can't get a boner
to save my mother's life
with those bitch squeals
calling at rhythmic intervals
as another Hitler youth
straddles the bitch

and calls out
"Ride, Princess! Ride!"

A bicycle lies upside down
on top of the tool shed.

Jason, Jacqueline, and Jamie

2009-04-15T00:35:00.003-04:00

Jason and Jacqueline were not in love at the time. In fact, Jacqueline was spending a few nights a week at a hotel downtown. She said it was easier to sleep in a clean bed. The bed at her home (with Jason) was often spoiled by crumbs.

Jason always had an appetite that resulted in bits of dry, salty snacks falling into the sheets. So they were not in love at the time. Of course, that was no excuse.

The excuse was actually Jamie. But she wasn't the excuse for lonely hotels; she was the excuse for reclaiming the house. Jamie was a crumb, and Jacqueline hated crumbs.

One morning, after a clean night's sleep downtown, Jacqueline was appalled to return home and find Jamie, the crumb, in bed with Jason.

"You little crumb," she shouted.

Although she didn't really love Jason, Jacqueline made a show of being hurt in front of him

and in front of the court some weeks later.

Jason felt ashamed in spite of his unlove for Jacqueline. He didn't love Jamie either. He was just in love with the game. He had an appetite for the Jamies of the world like he had an appetite for dry, salty snacks.

So Jason ate a snack, Jamie was swept out like a crumb, and Jacqueline had a clean bed without hotel expense.

Now Jason stayed in a hotel (with his snacks).

And nobody was ever in love at that time or any other.

2009-04-08T11:59:00.002-04:00

I fear poverty;
I fear it will make a thief
of me.

My eyelids,
though heavy with fatigue
born out of stress,
are wide open,
watching for opportunity
to take what I need
or might need.

I cannot despise
the beggar
shoplifter
thief
in me
or anyone else
these days.

LIKE AN ITCH

2009-04-03T13:14:00.002-04:00

It's like an itch.
There are these pains
irritations
pressures
frustrations
that seem to be relieved
only by intensification.

Like an itch.
It's small
and irritating
and you scratch it,
you tear at it,
to make it go away.

And like an itch,
the pressure on my eyes seems like
it will only be relieved
by pressing them into my skull.

CAN YOU MAKE

2009-04-03T13:09:00.002-04:00

The question:

Can you make it?
Can you make her?
Can you make her like you
in like five minutes?

Because that's all a guy needs.

He needs to know that he's still got it
and by it I mean
the ability to make it,
to make her like him
in the same amount of time
it takes him to decide
she's not worth it.

EVEN WEAKER SET

2009-04-03T09:50:00.000-04:00

Leaving behind a fresh batch of
“I already know how tonight plays out,”
I drive across town to
beg for scraps
(as that’s all my stomach can handle these days,
Scraps, that is)

Tomorrow will be another test,
Multiple choice:
a) Procrastinate
b) Masturbate
c) Try to get a job
d) Prove my worth in society
e) A and B
f) C and D

Women are the weaker sex,
they say,
they being people in general
not the women themselves,
most of the time,
But when I wake up
with whiskey breath
that taste of death
I have to reconsider
because

if a man wins the bread
and pays all his debts
I guess I’m cast(e) of some third,
even weaker set

2009-01-12T00:07:00.000-05:00

recorded an album this week.

been busy.

be back.

2008-10-08T21:36:00.002-04:00

As it turns out I was born unlike any other human being. The chief difference is in the placement of my brain. Rather than all of it being stuck in my cranium, equal portions of my mind were rationed out to my head, chest, stomach, limbs, legs, and genitalia. All of my appendages are equally smart to one another. You would think that this unusual splitting of my brain would make me very different from most men, but if you feel that way then you haven’t thought it through.

On the contrary I am very similar to most men. My heart and stomach receive equal attention, each needing to be fed. My legs are always sore for having to carry my body. My arms tire of lifting everything my stomach needs. My penis dictates that I desire more than I can satisfy. My head is not as full as most heads are, but I take full advantage of my mind up there so as not to fall behind everyone who only uses a smidgen of theirs.

Of course there are endless conversations between them all, and these are tiring, but no more so than an average man’s work to regulate his body’s needs. My stomach formulates eloquent complaints when it is not full and my heart prattles on endlessly about its romantic needs. Such is also the case of my legs which are never satisfied carrying all the rest of the body around. When my feet are sore there is a shouting match between them over which is the more exhausted. My arms try to convince one another that one of them is larger and stronger. My head thinks it is more fit for intelligence than the others. My penis couldn’t care less so long as it gets wet now and again.

So you see, like most men, I’m only happy with half of myself at any given time. The rest of me is full of self-loathing and resentment.

2008-10-08T20:17:00.000-04:00

and if i ever get my shit together

2008-10-02T22:43:00.002-04:00

tonight i felt
the icy cold hand of
death

on my back

while i was standing in the back
of the shower
trying to reach the knob
to cool the water

and you threw
cold
water
on me
from a cup

and laughed
and laughed
and laughed

and I smiled
because I didn't know what else to do

2008-09-26T22:40:00.002-04:00

i remember paradise
six weeks ago
wake up because
i wanted to do
what i'd chosen to do

i remember paradise
8 hours of work
in front of computer
recording
mixing
creating

i remember paradise
my own agenda
nothing forced

i remember paradise
i accomplished more
than any two weeks ever

i remember paradise
no boss
no teacher

i remember paradise
and shit like that

2008-09-13T23:54:00.004-04:00

today's discoveries:

pills for acid reduction
do ease the pain
of heartburn

i still get scared of haunted houses

if shopping at aldi
makes you feel poor
don't use
wal mart
as a chaser

avoiding the issue
will not
help your
finances

overeating will also do little to change the situation

but
eating 50 eggs will make
you a hero

trying extra
hard to get
attention
only makes it more
disappointing when you
fail

i don't like jenny lewis

i'm just like everybody
on saturday night
i want loud
alcohol-induced
fun

because that's nothing like
the rest
of the week
when i sit around
and wish that i were being
more productive
instead of
just blogging about
it

2008-09-13T00:25:00.003-04:00

C.Ray Harvey is...
the loving husband
excelling student
musically expressive
drug-free
fun-loving
gentleman

C.Ray Harvey is...
the brooding consumer
lying trickster
deceptively friendly
hope-free
sex-loving
bastard

2008-09-03T19:43:00.001-04:00

it's torturous
to sit
and sit
on something you've finished
and can't reveal yet

i want opinions
impressions
praise
ridicule
etc

not that it
matters
what people think

i just need them
to think it

2008-09-01T23:32:00.001-04:00

it feels so good to have something done
and done right

2008-08-29T16:02:00.003-04:00

wine never begs for company

and that's got everything to do with misspelling
and nothing to do with alcohol

don't take sides
don't stay neutral
don't stick around

2008-08-28T16:45:00.002-04:00

i have comments
this is otherworldly

well, i hope you don't come to expect anything
today was just another
damn day

i fixed a few things
from yesterday

i laid some traps
for tomorrow

i'm not the first guy
to get a rise
from deception

there's a whole cabinet and a congress and whatnot
of guys like me
and they're paid by the guys
like me
and like me
they're slaves to the
moneymakers

i need a job

2008-08-27T23:38:00.000-04:00

times like this i feel like drinking
not to feel drunk
i hate that

i feel like drinking
because the drink's a killer
and i feel like killing
and i feel like dying

alcohol destroys a man
and i want to be a destroyer
and i want to be destroyed

2008-08-27T21:31:00.003-04:00

i hope nobody reading this
mistakes these words
for poetry

i don't fancy myself a poet
or anything
like that

but i guess
the fact that i
am announcing this
to nobody
(only i read this, and only once per post)
is proof
that i have considered
the fact
that i could be confused
as trying
to be poetic

what a waste that would be

2008-08-27T21:30:00.003-04:00

i have traveled through time
and found that most of it
was a waste

like most of my days

a waste of time

until she comes home

and then i just blow it

2008-08-27T20:16:00.002-04:00

i wish i could look at the opportunity of tomorrow
and see opportunity
instead of sorrow.

shit,
oh god,
for something to look forward to.

the church is shrinking
and i should be happy
but all i do is wonder
where will all the mongoloids go
when they're not being watched
with holy eyes.

probably come to my house.

you probably couldn't tell the difference.

2008-08-23T17:23:00.001-04:00

i hate yelling adults
kids are fine
outdoors

but no division
between in or out
makes me
forgive/allow/dismiss
a parent
or less devoted adult
raising their voice

even in emergencies
your voice is too small
to do good.

2008-08-23T17:19:00.003-04:00

sitting on the porch
in the late afternoon
wondering
did i waste this day?

i accomplished
some things
i guess

no, definitely
i got a lot done

i just took steps
backwards
in some ways.

to be so close
to completing
this task
makes me mad
with isolation

i wonder
as i sit on my porch
in the early evening
i wonder
does she think about me
at times like this?
does she imagine it will
all be back to normal
tomorrow
the way that i do
when she's the one?

but that's not quite right

because i'm not the one today
and neither is she

god, i feel like such a big disappointment

haven't felt so disappointing
since getting caught
flipping off
kids in the park
at eight years old.

that's when you deserve
grounding.

now i just wish i could stay
grounded
long enough
to figure out what's going on.

2008-08-17T13:12:00.002-04:00

today is my birthday
i'm freezing a wart
i'm going swimming at a reservoir
i tried to eat waffles
i was out of syrup
i mixed some songs
i took a shower
i had some sex

happy day in indiana
at 22

The King's Love Song

2008-07-31T23:14:00.001-04:00

a song about david
for the leader of instruments

Kings Love Song Acoustic Demo - Wooden Satellites

2008-07-27T21:58:00.003-04:00

daisies are a luxury

a free luxury

daisies only grow in the land
of the rich

bummer for the rest

they should have drawn
better cards
or
threw better dice
or
something like that

poor fools
of chance

what luxury do they have

oh well

i've got it all

2008-07-27T21:58:00.001-04:00

back when i had wings
flight was made easy
now that i am back
to a caterpillar
i'm pretty much
okay with it

2008-07-27T21:56:00.002-04:00

your legs
back and forth
so hot
like twins
each made more beautiful
by its perfect double

2008-07-22T23:09:00.002-04:00

i hope this plan
don't fuck up

i hope those pedals
stay under my feet

i hope that boy
can beat the skins

i hope my fingers
get right again

i hope this cash
is enough to carry

i hope american movie
isn't about my shit

2008-07-21T17:36:00.000-04:00

foreman grills
are terrible
to clean

practice will be
great

hopefully nobody
wanted me
to be myself
tomorrow

because i die
at 6 am

2008-07-20T01:52:00.002-04:00

last night i saw:
the dark knight
titus andronicus

today i saw:
titus andronicus
jay reatard
caribou
f*ck buttons
vampire weekend
the hold steady

guest listed to:
abe vigoda
pit-er-pat
high places

ate dinner with:
vampire weekend

i have some massive nights
whoa ho oh oho

2008-07-16T22:47:00.002-04:00

the woodland satellites
are sailing
squealing
dodging trunks

they run up the trees
(launching pads)
only to ball up
with their tails
bushing up
in their faces

spiraling
through the air
squealing

with delight
they squeal

rabbits
squirrels
badgers
skunks
whatever the hell you can think of
in the woods

they fly between the trees
woodland creatures
satellites in the
treetops

woodland satellites

2008-07-15T20:00:00.002-04:00

life is like a prison
they birth you
in shackles

life is like
well it's such a prison

fuck

that's all i can say
it just is

not that I want out
just yet

(what a mess that makes)

at least i can deal with the warden
his face is just like mine
he smells the same as me
in his pits

outside
on the outside none of us
rightly remember
but we're sure you either live
in the desert
or the oasis
with B-Bub
or the self-appointed president of everything [god]

no chance to start out wet
working your way up
middle-classing

nope

you just stick with his lowness
or his highness

you burn with B-Bub
or go blind looking at JC

so it's not so bad in here
this life prison

shit

at least i can deal with the warden

2008-07-09T22:45:00.002-04:00

now swollen
I wonder
aloud

can I possibly infiltrate
this band of the incestuous
with my own band

?

too obvious what's on my mind
need a fresh
smell
to please those
gods
as critics

what's the purpose
?
anymore

I just dodged a bullet
-shaped
idea
, one stale with
last summer's stink

need a new
smell

and you've got to
help

2008-07-09T06:13:00.002-04:00

sore throats
are icing
on the cake
of misery

The Bloomington Mothman

2008-07-05T10:23:00.012-04:00

2008-07-05T09:18:00.003-04:00

garbled words
in my mouth
mean something

but out here
with you
and my conscience
they're just
garbled

dumb stuff

2008-06-30T22:46:00.001-04:00

HEY KIDS
IT'S TIME TO TALK ABOUT
IMPORTANT THINGS
LIKE
POPSICLE STICKS

I'M LOOKING FOR MY MOMMY
BEHIND
THE CURTAINS

2008-06-30T22:43:00.001-04:00

i wonder often
on a semi-
regular
to regular basis
whether hell exists

and then on days
like today
i realize
that i was a fool
to ever doubt

hell
quite clearly
is an asshole
and a pretty girl
standing
in the same
room with me

2008-06-28T00:08:00.001-04:00

2008-06-27T19:56:00.001-04:00

there never was any white lodge
shit

where did major briggs
go then?

oh, the
black lodge

double shit shit

2008-06-27T19:55:00.001-04:00

2008-06-24T23:18:00.002-04:00

do I really make choices?
how much of my thinking
is programmed?
if I'm programmed,
is there
a programmer?

do computers ask these questions?

do dogs ask these questions?

do they wonder if I ask these questions?

2008-06-24T23:17:00.000-04:00

programs...

reason...

that's great.

the thoughts
the programs

2008-06-23T21:51:00.002-04:00

drums are only so much skin stretched over so much frame

fuck em

2008-06-23T18:56:00.001-04:00

lately i just wish that that gum I like would come back in style

the owls are not friendly

Harry, I have no idea where this will lead us, but I have a definite feeling it will be a place both wonderful and strange.

2008-06-23T17:09:00.001-04:00

me = so tired

2008-06-23T17:08:00.001-04:00

it's about time to get it
by "it" I mean
the "shit"
together

time to get
the shit
together

2008-06-22T10:11:00.001-04:00

I give you things
like I was giving you land
on a reservation
oh, damn,
I'm gonna need that back now
and forever

sorry doesn't cut it?
oh, nothing,
I'm telling myself
how you will respond

and there
you just did

give me looks
like you're giving me head
that's all teeth

that's really disgusting?
oh, nothing,
I'm telling myself
how you will respond

2008-06-22T10:11:00.000-04:00

i'm a big laugh to you
an obligatory laugh
that's meant to be understood
as sarcastic
as all hell

well fuck you, Kucho Jacobs

2008-06-22T10:10:00.000-04:00

it's total bullshit
in my head
making me think i should have something better
something better to do with my time

life doesn't owe me meaning

but whatever it owes me
this is what i've got:

a warm room
sweaty pits
a heavy warm breeze
need for something better
somebody else across the room
in a worse mood than me

shit shit shit

and that's poor grammar
no doubt

about that...

2008-05-20T22:21:00.004-04:00

And I hate who I am
And I hate who I'm not

Tomorrow I go back to work
I barely woke up when I got home today

It's not so bad when I'm there
It's killing me like that

I should just give up
But I don't know if I could stand not to hate it

2008-05-11T08:00:00.002-04:00

Quick Update:

I'm still capable of being more of an asshole than I had hoped as evidenced by my spooning watermelon juice onto a friend's jeans last night to win a futile argument. And then saying, "That's a victory for me."

I still hate the job that I have to start back to in the morning since it makes me feel like less of a man to be working for The Man. But then again, making money to support myself makes me feel like more of a man, so I guess the two cancel out. I'm still as much a man. I hope. What even is man?

I still can't cope with my sister since I managed to pass by her and make a silent joke without having to really talk to her the other night at the mall.

I still wonder if this album that the band is working on (mainly Rudy and I) will amount to anything at all. I really want to tour. I don't know if I'll be able to. The old plan was to be done by now so that we could start putting ourselves out there. I think I secretly hoped we'd get some attention before June so that somebody would book us a tour for the Summer. I should really stop keeping plans to myself.

Sorry, don't have any pictures of Jon in chaps yet.

Entheogens

2008-05-03T12:30:00.002-04:00

This greatly amusing comic has inspired me to try for faith in a whole new way. All I need to do is contact a local dealer and purchase some entheogens to form my own personal link to God. Why let a church/mosque/temple help me out with this? I can get all messed up and do it myself! LSD Religious Pamphlet

Stress

2008-05-01T23:35:00.003-04:00

This video blows my mind. It stresses me out. It makes me believe in a Hobbesian human nature where two humans in a "natural state" encounter one another and are immediately hostile. Alliances are only formed to further aggression.

How real is this? All I know is that it's freaky.

Pradiohince

2008-04-28T11:00:00.003-04:00

The internet video that made my life today. Good audio quality, somewhat poor video. Wish I'd been there to see this over the weekend. Amazing.

The Way

2008-04-27T00:12:00.004-04:00

Winter comes and snow
I can't marry you, you know
Without you the winter grows
I can't marry you, you know

Love me the way i love you
Love me the way i love you

Take a year in your hands
You can find another man
Let your unloved parts get loved
I will be your man

Love me the way i love you
Love me the way i love you

Places you should be afraid
Into the river we will wade

Love me the way i love you
Love me the way i love you

"The Way" by Bonnie 'Prince' Billy

One of my greatest achievements in life is to have remained a virgin till my wedding day and to have married a virgin wife. Clears up a lot of the trouble of worrying whether you're the best the other person's ever had. One can't compare what one has to what one doesn't know; with that in mind I'm glad I only know one woman's body.

I'm not sure if in that second verse, the bolded one, Will Oldham is asking the implied you of the song to go sleep with another guy for a while and then come back or what. Sure seems that way. I don't think I could be down with that. I'm incredibly paranoid. I don't think I could handle being with a woman who'd been with other men to get what she couldn't get from me.

Maybe Will Oldham is such a down fella that he can admit his own failures to this extent. I don't know. If that's the way he loves then I can see why it'd be hard to love him back that way. Not that songwriters write music that literally describes them or anything. Not good ones anyway.

Maybe I should start avoiding that trap.

Son of Man Music Video

2008-04-23T01:34:00.005-04:00

I came up with the idea for this video. I filmed half of it, and I edited it completely. I don't care that it looks shitty, I love this video right now with a heart in my chest.

The idea was to slow down the audio while we recorded to half speed. Then we would lipsync/play along to that slow track and speed it up during editing. This all occurred. I just don't know if it really worked or not. The video effect I got from Boris Complete Continuum really helped though. Made the different lighting settings blend better since I added a flicker to the whole thing. Now it looks like it's supposed to be grainy. I'm pretty pleased with the audio mix too, I might add.

The Chipmunk's Story

2008-04-22T19:07:00.003-04:00

I am a chipmunk. I live at the zoo, yo. I don't live IN the zoo... shit... that life's for suckas. I just live AT the zoo. I take what I want. I feel sorry for them animals all cooped up in their shitty cages, but hey, they got caught, and I'm free. Should have tried harder, suckas.

When I say I take what I want, I mean it. I don't need a soft life of waiting for each meal and eating from the hand of some bigass human-fuckin-being. Hell no! I make my own plans for dinner! That's real talk!

If I want to fall back on that ass with a bonafide gangsta lean, like just cold chill in my crib, then I make preparations so as I don't have to go out. I survey my hood (the Australian Outback or some shitty rendition of it) and I scurry across the stones till I smell a plate full of food. Mmmm, mmm, that shit gets my tail perky, know I'm sayin'?

Like the other day I went out to fill my cheeks and I could smell a plate of food somewhere near the bat exhibit. When I investigate, what should I find but that the fools enjoying that plate are a couple dumbass birds. Faggots, too, by the looks of that rainbow plumage.

Well they're on the inside and I'm on the outside. It's not only in the fuckin zoo where jailbirds are given better meals than free men. You gotta get used to that shit, though, that's life.

Getting to the cage is quite a scramble. Keeping out of sight from those loudmouth brats holding Dairy Queen cones is tough work, for sure. If I hear another snot-nosed punk call out "Hey mama, look at the cute little squirrel" I'm gonna go apeshit on his ass. Squirrel? Fuck those big-tailed monkey-ass niggas! Last thing in the world I'm gonna put up with is shortie belittling me with that kind of shit talking.

Anyway, I creep up on the cage outside the bat exhibit and start digging. Nothing comes easy. I hit a rock and I've gotta quit and find a better spot. So I creep over to the door, these are always a little loose, no barriers underground. I get underneath and then I realize I've gotta get under another door. They put two doors into these bird cages so that the zookeepers can always keep one closed, keep the birdbrains inside. Well, no amount of doors can keep me out. I smell that birdseed and those exotic nuts and grapes and... well you know, right? I gots to be about my food storing.

When I'm on the other side I stay under cover of the planted foliage, bushes and shit, till I'm under the plate. I'm about to make a go up the branch when I spot this damn guy.

He looks like a fag to me. Grey striped hoodie, short fucking shorts, tight t-shirt, half-assed beard, and blue mouth from a slushie he's holding. But even though he's watching, he's not making a show of it. This punk may look like a softie, but he's no squealer. He's not going to walk over to the zoo folks and tell em whats up in Gay Bird Cell #69. He'll keep it to himself. And that's all I need to know.

Go ahead and watch, punk. You might learn something.

Up the shrub I go, and the birds scatter. I doesn't matter how big they are, how sharp their claws, how long their beaks. Soft-ass animals know hard-ass animals when they see them, and I fit in the latter category. Best recognize.

That punk stares as I cram it in. I start with the seed first, pocket it in every crevice of my jaw that's too small to put the real goods. Then I start in on a nut, rolling it perfectly in my hands and nibbling away till it fits with the seeds. Then a grape, letting the juices soak what I've already got and making it easier to mash down for efficiency. After that I move to breadcrumbs, then back to seeds... the cycle continues.

Then I'm interrupted. No, not the punk. Some shortie standing next to the punk. He sees me too, and he's getting ready to tell somebody about it. That shit will not stand.

I'm out.

Back to the ground, under the brush. Have to make it to the gate before the kid sees me.

Too late.

I tried to make a break but I can hear this fucking kid's mom now. "That's right sweetie, that chipmunk is stealing all their food."

Yeah, and I'll take your eyes if you don't shut the fuck up, bitch. I've gotta blow. I'm under the first door, making it towards the second. The punk in the grey hoodie is just watching me with understanding. I'd almost let him help me out here, but trusting is for suckas.

I'm under the second door. The brat that tattled is making like he's going to try and get to me now that I'm on the outside of the cage. He might get too close before I make it to a bush.

The punk steps out in front of him, says, "Don't worry about it," and the brat is stopped in his tracks.

I'm under a bush.

"Hey! Where'd he go?" the kid is loud as a fucking bullhorn.

The punk repeats, "Don't worry about it."

What a fucking hero. Not like I need that shit, but still, every little bit helps. When the kid gives up trying to spot me in my hiding space, I creep out to the punk's foot and look up, trying to show him some appreciation, just a look of recognition. I think he sees it.

The moment stops when I catch a whiff of stale popcorn and decide that I could probably use it to top off my load.

That's what it's all about. Get what you can, take what you can get, and don't regret your take.

I Saw a Chipmunk Take What He Wanted

2008-04-20T23:26:00.003-04:00

These little buggers take what they need. They don't play by rules. I need to get on this shit.

"Give it to me muthafucka"

"Yeah you, back the fuck up. Or die."

"I enjoy only the finest fucking wines and cheeses. Mmmm, mmm, bitch."

"I said fuck you, pay me my money!"

I Used to Be the Nice Kid

2008-04-19T23:45:00.002-04:00

I hope I'm not as big an asshole as everyone around me says. I used to be the really nice kid. Shit.

I hope that in the end everything works out. I play the cynic, but I really live my life like life is gonna work out just fine. Please work out, life.

Please for the love of whatever just work out.

Racy Poster

2008-04-15T22:02:00.005-04:00

I designed a poster today for a house show I'm playing at in a couple weeks. I really wish there was a real venue in town to play at. But anyways, here it is:
Background looks pretty familiar eh? I got the idea from a song by one of the traveling artists, Adam Balbo. He has a song called "Let's Make a Porno" that's pretty ridiculous. I used to think that it would be weird to see yourself in a pornographic movie.

That was in high school. I really wanted to be in a porno back then. I told some people once, as a joke; they thought I was disgusting. It wouldn't be for anybody else to see, just me. I could never have gone through with it. I was addicted to porn at the time, and I hated myself for it. One of the best nights of my life is when I was first dating my wife and I told her I'd been stuck in it and she didn't hate me at all.

Now that I've had plenty of sex I realize how ridiculous porn is. Not that I don't think it's a serious problem, for the actors and the audience, I just think it's so far removed from sex as to be a ridiculous imitation. It's weird that way.

Anyway, the poster is also influenced by a moment in the long-awaited return of The Office when Jan is giving Jim and Pam a tour of Michael's home and there's a camera and a tripod set up in the bedroom. She quickly folds it and puts it away saying nervously, "Michael, I thought you said you tidied up in here!"

Got Em

2008-04-12T15:24:00.004-04:00

So that last post ended somewhat dismally. Thought I should post a follow up finally. So yeah, around 9:15 am (which means I could have slept all night) my refreshing paid off and I pounced on 4 tickets right up front in the pit for Radiohead. Behold:

Now I probably can't afford to pay rent. Oh well, I will succumb to credit cards for my obsession.

Still W.A.S.T.E.ing Away

2008-04-09T08:08:00.002-04:00

I'm still here. It's ten after 8 am and I'm still waiting for Radiohead tickets to start presale. This is really sad. I could have gotten up at a regular time and not missed a thing. I could have slept in my own bed. I am determined to make it all worth it. I'm so dedicated right now.

The last North American presale went up at 8:51 am, so here we go. 40 mins left, maybe. Maybe not.

This Is An Obsession

2008-04-09T04:11:00.002-04:00

I am completely ridiculous. It's just after 4am and I've been up for the last hour with Firefox tabs on Radiohead's ticket sale page set to auto-refresh ever 5 seconds. So that I can spend money I don't have on tickets for the greatest band on Earth.

I need a bigger life. I have a life. It just doesn't keep me from doing stupid stuff like this. You know, sleeping on the futon in the living room because my every-half-hour alarms were driving my wife insane. I'm a sad strange little man.

I have all my personal information and credit card details on a notepad at the bottom of the screen so I can copy and paste with lightning speed. I'm a little worried that I might not have a w.a.s.t.e. account for tickets but... hell you don't care.

I figured out why they call it waste.

I have clocks set to three different timezones. I hope this works. This could be my last or only chance to see my favorite band ever. And one day I'll die a happier man knowing I got to see them.

Let's Get Known

2008-04-05T13:58:00.003-04:00

So hey, let's get known. If we keep it up, we can show the haters. It's gotta be soon, not later.

So begins the song Let's Get Known by the unbeatable Unicorns. Man, I wish I could write so honestly. When I try I just come off as a 14 year old brat trying to write shit poetry in his notebook before bed. Unfortunately I'm running right out of external problems to write about with any conviction.

Hmmm, how to draw the line between macro-generalized problems and the micro-specified mundane? Who knows.

Most of my favorite songs don't make a lick of sense. I can't even figure out what much of them means. Like Radiohead, Will Oldham, they leave out the full descriptions, but still provide such tedious details as to give vivid imagery.

Vivid images of who knows what. How do you write towards that?

I'm more worried that they don't even try and that the effort I use spells my failure with its very presence.

Motivation

2008-04-02T23:47:00.004-04:00

Young Jeezy stays motivated. No doubt. He's got two full albums devoted to motivating thugs. "Because the thugs need motivation, a lawyer team a good case and some dedication."

These last few days I've found that some activities (or the anticipation of them) bring me a semblance of satisfaction. But it smacks of contentment in an animal. Like the horse that feels fulfillment in the pulling of a load and the meal at the end of the day, or the ant that finally gets that bit of breadcrumb back to the hill. It doesn't point towards anything but survival. And why survival?

I make music. I enjoy it. I don't know what I'm making it for. Oh yeah, I want to release a full album in a month or so. The problem is that the last few days I can't find motivation... okay, that's not true. I work on it, and I accomplish things, but I feel like I'm doing it to convince myself of something. I want to believe that it's enough. I'm trying doubly hard (and getting exhausted) in efforts to win me over to my side again.

I love my wife. Very much. I would never leave her, cheat her, or do anything else to willfully cause her hurt. Lately I'm even preoccupied with showing her more affection than usual. I send her cutesy messages throughout the day, I remember to mention all the positive details about her, I do chores and give her anything I can figure out she wants.

I'm just afraid that I'm doing it to convince her. When we're together, finally, I feel distracted, harsh, distant, nitpicky, irritated. I spend all day wishing she was around and then make her feel unwanted when we're finally together. Which is my true self? Can one self be truer?

I'm chalking some of it up to the exhaustion of doing so much. And for what? To convince myself to keep doing so much. Time to sleep. I have no conclusions.

I probably just need motivation like Young Jeezy

Silence as a Holster

2008-04-01T12:51:00.000-04:00

Well, I ended up using those possible lyrics from an previous post and used a snappy title inspired by an even previouser (not a word) post. It came out in the form of a terrible recording in about twenty minutes. You can get the general idea here:

Silence as a Holster

Margot at the Wedding

2008-03-27T23:18:00.001-04:00

Just finished Margot at the Wedding. Similar to the feeling I had after I finished The Squid and the Whale, I am frustrated that I took no notes. And I realize that if I'd taken notes I would have been frustrated that I hadn't just enjoyed the movie. These films really fall like a tree on the fence that divides comedic entertainment and uncomfortable revelation. There's so much to take in. It's really no wonder that Margot has such a low IMDB rating. Who would go to the movies and leave happy after they were subjected to such appallingly accurate representations of family? There's little to say about the films themselves, except to recollect what has been seen. You can't comment; the commentary is the entire film.

Man, what I would give to be able to capture so many lives with a piece of art. I feel like I am, in some way, a part of every character. My wife says, "Why does this guy make movies about my family?" The mental struggles portrayed are so lifelike that they make you really want to take notes so that you can recognize and avoid their perils in your own life. Or they make you want to go into complete denial. After all, nobody I know is as extremely messed up as the assholes on TV right?

Right?

New Keyboard Amp

2008-03-25T23:13:00.003-04:00

Yeah, so I got one of these today. It's a Peavey KB 3 (click the pic to find out more.) It has three inputs for a vocal mic, keyboards, whatever. A massive 12" speaker with a tweeter. I almost bought one a couple years ago when I was first starting out with my old band, Rococo. Instead we went with a Roland KC-150. Never regretted it, seriously, that baby rocks. But we need another amp to run the drum machine through, and this is it.

Funny thing is, although these usually go for $300, I snagged it for $50. My brother-in-law Rob, who lives below me, had a friend bring it over and try and sell it to him. Doesn't use it anymore, or never did. So anyways, they're tough to sell online due to weight and dimensions (weight packed=60 lbs.) and he wanted cash instead of an amp. Happy to oblige.

Possible Lyrics

2008-03-04T23:29:00.002-05:00

Silence can betray your thoughts

I know that you have things to say to me

Your words are claiming you don’t know

But all the things you’d convey

Are rolling down your cheeks

Pouring from your eyes

They’re pooling on your chin

Escaping in your sighs

Hurt my precious feelings

Call me rotten names

Scream aloud and cry and shout and

Make audacious claims

Just tell me what you’re thinking

For chrissake please say anything at all

Silence is no cover for

The brief moments [frustration] your anger gets your best

Deep inside your conscious

All those moments sit

Like throwing stones in fists

Swung but not released

Trapped inside your hands

Like idle threats they tease

Well toss them at me please

Hurt my precious feelings

Call me rotten names

Scream aloud and cry and shout and

Make audacious claims

Just tell me what you’re thinking

Just say something at all

Just tell me what my sorry ass

Can do to fix it all

Jaime Stewart Wrote Me A Haiku

2008-02-25T17:52:00.002-05:00

Click here to see the haiku that Jaime Stewart from Xiu Xiu wrote specifically for me. I was one of the first few hundred folks to send in a picture of myself holding their new album, "Women As Lovers" (you can hear a song on the ghetto blaster up there.) This was the picture:

I know; it's disgusting. But it was the most Xiu Xiu thing I could think to do.

Devil's Haircut

2008-02-23T15:05:00.006-05:00

I got my hair cut at Countours today by my friend Eric. He is amazingly good at his job. Totally amazing. He makes hair look like hot sex on my head. How? It begins with a miraculous double shampooing and conditioning, then a trim, then a thin, then a styling.

Now I have to improve the rest of my body to match my haircut.

This is the lyric that won't leave my head:

"Death to everyone, is gonna come,
And it makes Jose much more fun."

I have to wear my fancy suit tonight to play a concert at school with my classical Guitar Ensemble which we've decided to name Ride or Die at the encouragement of the "brutal" metal kid who plays with us. This isn't us, but we're playing this song:

Really poppy, but catchy and kind of fun. I play one of the idiot parts, but the other guys get to improv some blazing solos at the end.

Don't Have My Phone

2008-02-22T10:03:00.000-05:00

Hey Babe,

I don't have my phone on me today, and I don't have time to run home and get it, so I won't get to talk to you till after 3:00. This is what I would say if I could call you right now:

I am so bummed. I dozed off twice during theory this morning, but I just got done practicing and I feel pretty good about my lesson. I'm very confused about the Socrates/Plato text we're analyzing in philosophy. It's brilliant, I've figured out that much, but it's basically a conversation between two guys, so the structure is hard to find. Anyway, I hope you're not feeling too tired today. Hope you're still up for going out with Cassie and whoever tonight.

I love you.
--
I've Seen This Happen In Other People's Lives
And Now It's Happening In Mine

David Bazan, Here I Come

2008-02-21T10:07:00.003-05:00

I'm going to see David Bazan (from the band Pedro the Lion) tonight at Taylor University, Upland. I hope it lives up to my hopes and dreams. I saw Pedro the Lion a few years ago, but it was kind of disappointing. The band played well, and they covered a wide range of their material. It was just kind of a let down from what might have been if I'd seen them a year or two earlier previous.

Now there's new material, multiple monikers, but still the same old Q&A. I can't hide it, I'm pretty excited.

Now back to reading Socrates. Summary: two things are known for certain.

(1) I don't know shit, and
(2) neither do you.

Anna Vogelzang and Tiger Saw Review

2008-02-13T21:38:00.001-05:00

Dylan assumed the space at the front of the Dragon's Keep with a quiet but confident demeanor. He rang the bell hanging from the headstock of his ancient and beaten guitar, calling attention to the presentation we had in store. Anna Vogelzang called an "A-huh-heh-hem" and captured the moment. Dylan spelled out his full name, (which I misunderstood,) and assured us that he and Anna would make up the Tiger Saw lineup for the evening.

He began with a stomp of his black shoe and a strum of the guitar, Anna's harmonies meshing with the first melody of the night. He held his head high, and marched through the song with steady resolve while she held a coffee cup in two hands and climbed vocal steps to meet the song's wistfully beautiful mood.

After the opener he asked if anybody had any questions. I asked from midway back if his name was Dillinger abbreviated Dillin, only to receive the reply that it was in fact Dylan Jeremiah. My mistake. As further reply the Tiger Saw came closer to my section of the room to stand before the coffee bar and present to us in a more personal space. Much appreciated.

Short explanations, such as the feeling of being beside somebody and finding your emotions too complex to express, or anecdotes of seeing fully dressed prostitutes in the red-light district of Hamburg (what queer advertising.) A few songs featured Anna adding solo melodies with accompaniment by Dylan. Each song stuck pretty close to the formula, (a working formula,) but one standout included statements about certain ghosts always being near to our hearts. That particular cut also featured travel buddy Joe Arnold adding pizzicato string accompaniment and short bowing on the violin.

Dylan finished with thanks and recollections of friends in Massachusetts. He then launched into a final melody which faded into accappella choruses imploring listeners to keep a song with them to remind of home. A chime of the bell ended the set.

Anna Vogelzang took our attention next, with little announcement save for a request that steamed and blended drinks be saved for after the set. God, that really bothers me. The drinks I mean. Oh well.

Percussive blasts from the guitar were the true heralding of Anna's first "up, up and away-hey-eh" joint, complimented by climbing violin strains from Joe. Rapid lyricism cascaded finally into a fading chorus and formal introduction. Various and sundry names for the tour were thrown about as jokes before the next song was introduced as being penned for Paris Hilton during her "tough" stay behind bars. Indeed, "we love to watch you suffer" rings true, at least for me, not so much the "I love your hair" echoed into infinity towards the end, but the bright charisma carried me to the climax nevertheless.

The following ballad, a finger-picker, was a definite example of Joe's flourishing violin skills. Swirling trills at the refrain gave the old slow-burner the added heat to convince of us of the intended warmth spoken of in the lyrics. However it was "Philly", Anna's recollections of her one time of home in Philadelphia that rang out more magnificently still, bursting forth through crisp falsetto resolving to diminished chords and an instrumental bridge showcasing a charming solo ending in a quiet verse of burning memories.

A rousing rendition of The Beatles' "Your Mother Should Know" came next, with violin harmonizing vocals on the spiraling "sing it again" pre-choruses. An anecdote about actually stopping in Cleveland for the previous night's show preceded "Family Band," a song that begins with the line "how about we move to Cleveland." For the record, apparently Anna would never want to actually move there.

A little cowboy ditty completed the set, a self-proclaimed "quiet version of an already quiet song" that was enhanced by the pleasantly surprised smiles exchanged between the players as correct notes blended together in this new rendition. Dylan stepped up to join Anna on a duet where they played mock lovers. Joe spotlighted once more with quiet plucks of the guts at the start of the evening's closer, "Hymn for a Parents." What a hero, that Joe.

Some Goals

2008-02-12T12:24:00.000-05:00

The thing is, I probably won't accomplish many, or any of these:

Eat less
Exercise 3-4 times a week
Be sure to eat at least one healthy meal every day
Spend less on food (eat out less)
Practice guitar more regularly (weekends included)
Bend to the whims of my spouse more often
Go out of my way to befriend music department fags

These are all hedonistic according to my new understanding of it. I think that despite minor pain and no immediate pleasure they will yield great gain in the future and allow me to avoid further pain. All except that last one. This picture is me reacting to mdf stupidity right now.

2008-02-12T01:06:00.001-05:00

I finally updated the media player, gave it a little more exposure. Oh well, nobody's listening anyway. Now I go to bed too late and wish I'd spent my time more productively. Maybe on a explication de texte, or songwriting, or instrumental practice, or sleeping next to my wife.

It's time to do that last one.

Anyone Who Says Differently is Selling Something

2008-02-11T22:57:00.001-05:00

I really love my band. It's a powerful motivator. It makes me want to be better.

Tonight it also made me want to die. But not till afterwards. If only I'd just stayed home and made somebody else happy.

Possible tracklist for a new album:

01. Silence as anticipation
02. ... as assurance
03. ... as peace
04. Silence as inexpressible pain
05. ... as exclusion
06. ... as manipulation
07. ... as a weapon
08. Silence as desperation
09. ... as a resolution
10. ... as a final choice

Sounds emo as all hell, huh? Maybe a "clever" album title like Silence as the Grave would fit nicely. I guess I'll have to change my performance name to As Autumn Leaves Burn In Flames Becoming the Ashes of My Fallen Tears. I'll have to die my hair black and use a flat iron to make it hang all jagged in my face. I'll have to wear eyeliner. Actually, damn! This is starting to sound awesome!

On a more serious note, I'm studying Epicurus in philosophy. Today we redefined hedonism and it actually sounds pretty good. It's all about ultimate pleasure, not just pleasure in the moment, but making choices based on the best pleasure, which often means delaying gratification or working hard to achieve better pleasure in the future.

It's also all about avoiding pain. And in the words of Isaac Brock: "If life's not beautiful without the pain, when I guess I'd really rather never even see beauty again."

Wanted: Purpose

2008-02-07T01:00:00.000-05:00

So much for productive blogging. I have nothing I care about enough to post anyway. Except a lame want ad.

Seeking: purpose and meaning for life that surpasses overwhelming sense of doldrum. Must be... hell, it can be anything. Must not force me to believe unprovable nonsense that I will eventually shake off as a load of shit.

Offering: hard work with great success when motivated.

Warning: difficult as hell to motivate.

Oh god, somebody I know has the most difficult disposition when she's groggy. And she's been sick for days. Sickness comes with a lot of sleep and sleeps means lots of groggy moments before, during, and after the act. That sentence was difficult to read. Oh well, nobody's reading. Anyway, I feel like the most annoying sack of rot on the planet when she's groggy. I'm incapable of pleasing (which I realize is more important to me than I'd hoped) and guilty if I try to escape.

That's all nonsense. I'm exaggerating.

But I still feel like I'm ready the way that Biggie Smalls and the Unicorns were.

Back From Florida, Despising Existence in Fort Wayne

2008-02-05T10:20:00.000-05:00

Okay, this town isn't that bad, honestly. Nobody wants to hear me complain, especially not me. So I'll save it. I just hope that the weather turns nicer and everybody quits this sickness that's going around. And I hope I get a break from all of this catchup I'm doing at school. And I hope that this album I'm recording is the shit. I have seen the future, and there are people worshiping my music... never.

Back to class. During my break I think I'm going to post some real music reviews, change my layout, and update that music player at the bottom of the page. Should be fun. Damn, nobody's reading this. Who am I trying to convince?

Where I'm Going Tomorrow

2008-01-17T22:43:00.000-05:00

I'm going to Florida tomorrow. No, I'm not a senior citizen with a deathwish (that's where they go to die, man.) I'm on a family vacation: one that is forcing me to work my ass off this week to finish all my schoolwork for next week by tomorrow (Friday.)

This is really sucking right now. It will be awesome after tomorrow, but then it'll probably suck again when I get home. Suck suck.

Mmmm, my neck feels so good right now...

Things I'm Afraid of Tonight:

2008-01-03T23:06:00.001-05:00

never being discovered
being the kind of crazy person that knows they're crazy and can't keep from losing control
wolves
continuing a cycle of losing friends, gaining new ones, and losing those
my house catching fire while I sleep
losing a limb (especially a hand)
going deaf
zombies
my libido

The Resolutionizing Thus Far

2008-01-03T22:53:00.000-05:00

So far I haven't been doing very well with my NeYeRe (New Year's Resolution. (I came up with that on my own. (Yes. It is stupid. (So are multiple parentheses.)))) My attempts to reign in my crazy and be a better man have failed. In fact, I think that both of these options are too crowded out by the phony character I play when I'm at work to even fight over my mindset when I'm off the clock.

Tonight I experienced signs of mental instability in the form of mood swings which forced me to act like the silly, ineffective, (cute,) trying-to-be-funny self that I often indulge only to despise later in the evening. Honestly it was the thought of my beautiful bride which gave me an anchor to sanity again. However, once out of the pure crazy I then turned silly/eccentric. I amuse myself when I'm in that mood, hence the indulgence. Tonight I wasn't upset with myself afterwards, just a little worried.

Some concrete words to say about my struggle thus far:

Sometimes I want to be stoic and strong and a pillar of compassion.

Sometimes I just want to get laid.

Tonight I am finding ways to be ugly.

This should explain the mustache.

To Reconcile Contrary Truth in 2008

2008-01-01T03:58:00.001-05:00

Here is the thing about being married to my wife:

I love her more than anything for being an anchor, a spotlight of truth and hope in my life.

Here is the truth about being a 21 year-old wannabe rockstar:

I want to be dangerous and free and respected for my skills as an asshole.

Reconciliation of these two truths is my aim for the new year.

The Truth About Christmas

2007-12-27T16:48:00.000-05:00

The truth about Christmas was a secret I discovered very early in life. I was approximately three and a half years old. As I sat in the back seat of the car waiting for my dad to come out of Target I looked at the front seat and asked my mother point blank, "Is there really a Santa Claus?" I don't remember her answer exactly, but I know it was some parental bullshit. Which is okay. Who wants their kid to figure out this universal lie so early?

Anyway, I sniffed my way through. "Yeah, but how does Santa Claus get all the way around the world and..." I explored the obvious fallacies in the St. Nick myth aloud and I could see my mother growing visibly agitated. She asked me, "Do you want to know the truth?" Um, yeah? So she told me the truth: mom and dad, grandma and grandma, etc. buy the gifts and stay up later on Christmas to put the gifts under the tree and then they write Santa Claus in the 'From:' portion of the gift tag.

This did not bother me. It did bother my parents when I peeked into the trunk, knowing that my dad had no doubt purchased Santa's share in the toy aisles of Target (still my favorite department store.) It bothered them when I tried to peek under my dad's desk to find out what kind of wrapping paper I could find my loot in on xmas morning.

Now I am 21, and I wish I only had Santa to blame.

Favorite Songs from 2007

2007-12-17T22:26:00.000-05:00

rihanna - umbrella
battles - atlas
kanye west - can't tell me nothing
jens lekman - my sister is the opposite of hallelujah
M.I.A. - paper planes
justice - d.a.n.c.e.
radiohead - all i need
radiohead - faust arp
feist - i feel it all
of montreal - gronlandic edit
of montreal - Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse
spoon - the ghost of you lingers
beirut - elephant gun
tough alliance - something special
deerhoof - the perfect me
black kids - i'm not gonna teach your boyfriend how to dance with you
the new pornographers - myriad harbour
modest mouse - parting of the sensory
menomena - weird
sunset rubdown - taming of the hands
st vincent - now now
st vincent - marry me john
a place to bury strangers - fix the gash in your head (and the track right before and right after this one are my favorites to. sorry no specifics there.)
iron and wine - white tooth man
patrick wolf - magic position
interpol - all fired up

Favorite Albums of 2007

2007-12-14T23:20:00.000-05:00

1) Of Montreal – Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?

It’s almost ridiculous how much I listened to this album this year. It helped that it came out early in the year. When I first heard it I just couldn’t stop playing it on my Zen and then my pal Ben bought me the double disc on vinyl. Every track has interesting bits, most of it is insanely catchy, it all hangs together marvelously.

2) Radiohead – In Rainbows

Um, duh. Radiohead is: revolutionary marketing tactics and distribution. They’ve come back down to earth, but it’s nice to see they were changed by wherever the hell they sent Kid A and Amnesiac back from.

3) Battles – Mirrored

I heard Battles this spring. I saw them this summer. I saw them again in the fall. They annihilate my mind. I have never been into an instrumental band before but Battles has made me a believer.

4) Arcade Fire – Neon Bible

How good it is to hear a sophomore album I like as much as the debut. This album has far better lyrics in my opinion. Musically it doesn’t break out of any boxes, but it definitely appeals to me in a more identifiable way.

5) Menomena – Friend or Foe

These guys do not radiate any of the supercool that so many other hip artists are trying to give off. They seem like normal guys getting together and making great music that is sometimes a little cheesy, but mostly really grooving.

6) Sunset Rubdown – Random Spirit Lover

Aside from the first track, this album took me a while to get into, but after I listened straight through it took me back to that old, familiar, Spencer Krug-obsessed place all over again. Next best thing to that forthcoming Wolf Parade sophomore release.

7) A Place to Bury Strangers – Self Titled

This band doesn’t deserve my praise, but they’ll get it anyway. Homemade guitar pedals, early-90’s plus early-80’s combo punch… damn APtBS, how did you make Joy Division and My Bloody Valentine entrust you with their lovechild? And how did you ever make it cry so loud?

8) John Vanderslice – Emerald City

One day people will look back and realize that the most kickass singer-songwriter of this millennium has been casually overlooked thanks to the likes of John Mayers, Conor Obersts, and Kevin Barnes’ who were championed by uncultured masses, tragedy-obsessed teenagers, and ADD bloggers of this cruel cruel world.

9) M.I.A. – Kala

All I wanna do is >bang< *bang* #bang# +bang+ and [kaching] take your money!

10) St. Vincent – Marry Me

If I weren’t already taken… nah, just kidding [Andrea.] This album has one of the most amazing lineups of catchy, rocking, off-kilter songs you’ll ever hear. + she doesn’t sound like a rip off of Feist or Cat Power.

11) Caribou – Andorra

Every year somebody does it right. They rediscover the psychedelic in a way that is both charmingly nostalgic and surprisingly fresh. This year the award goes to…

12) Architecture In Helsinki – Places Like This

Did this lead singer go through puberty between this album and “In Case We Die” or what? The new and improved Architecture in Helsinki generated a lot of buzz that didn’t quite carry them to superstardom this summer. It still got heavy rotation in my mp3 player. Addicting.

13) Feist – The Reminder

In my opinion the duke it out for best outside the band contest was won by a girl. Sorry Kevin D. This time I’m pretty sure I feel it all.

14) Jens Lekman – Night Falls Over Kortedala

Bring on the cheese, err, I meant the classy side of twee indie rock. Self-exposing, yet endearing, Jens Lekman is a very attractive man… in a musical way.

15) Modest Mouse – We Were Dead…

Overall I had a lot of pleasant surprises in terms of old favorites. Modest Mouse, along with Arcade Fire, Architecture in Helsinki, Caribou, Jay-Z and others did not disappoint me. The production value was high, but so was the quality. A few tracks could have been shaved off, but then again, Modest Mouse always errs on the side of too much.

16) Vampire Weekend – Blue CDR

I cannot wait for the revamp of this to drop next year. Ready and waiting, boys. Bring that organ back.

17) Jay-Z – American Gangster

Oh thank god this wasn’t another kingdom coming. It’s no Black Album, not even a Blueprint, but it managed to avoid the pop-crunk slum of ten cent beats on my radio right now and bring some class back to the sub-weighted trunks of true believers.

18) Iron & Wine – The Shepherd’s Dog

Without a release from Sufjan I had to get my folk fix elsewhere this year. Devendra at home? Apparently not (Smokey Rolls What?) Thank God Iron % Wine was there to assemble some fine, catchy tunes with bizarre sitar/acoustic guitar arrangements. I gotta have the fix.

19) Animal Collective – Strawberry Jam

I don’t care what anybody says. This shit is not accessible. However, I’m told it’s the future and all of that… our generation’s genre-expanders and blah blah blah. Well this is their best yet, I’ll give them that. I’ve never disliked, just never been the biggest fan. Maybe this Jam is converting me covertly.

20) Panda Bear – Person Pitch

See above.

21) Black Kids – Self-titled EP

And why do these guys pull record deals and big press off of an EP of four songs that you can hear on their myspace while I work my ass off playing basement shows in Fort Nowhere, IN? Oh yeah, they’re young, they’re hip, and… wow, they’re actually really good.

22) Justice – Cross

Do the dance. That’s it. Overrated? Yes. Built on the popularity of one song? Yes. Ripping off old electropop? Yes. But hey, it’s a really good song!

23) Patrick Wolf – Magic Position

Well, it is.

24) The New Pornographers – Challengers

This album is good. It’s solid. It’s not a disappointment. So why is it no. 24 on my list? There’s just nothing new here. And it kind of lacks the punch that Twin Cinema packed. All around it’s good, just not great, I guess.

25) Kanye West – Graduation

He does it again, and by the way, take that ya half-dolla sucka! Beats are incredible as always, the raps are mediocre as always, the result is an amazing hip hop album, as always.

26) Dirty Projectors – Rise Above

Unbelievable. This is not my favorite style exactly, but the Dirty Projectors more than make up for my personal taste in amazing initiative. By all rights if I’d given this more listens it would no doubt be higher on the list. As it is, I still think it’s great. Don’t get me wrong. I just need to spend more time with it.

27) Beirut – Flying Cup Club

I came onto this pretty late in the game, but I love it. Granted, by the end of the album the repetition makes it a little tough to muster another “oompa!” but the sound is fairly unique and the melodies/vocals are easy to grab hold of.

28) Kevin Drew – Spirit If

Okay, now these albums are still on my top list. I enjoyed them. These were just the albums I had an easier time criticizing. Broken Social Scene rules, and it probably does so mainly due to the contribution of Kevin Drew. However, his “solo” work here suffers from a slight lack in creativity. I think half the songs on here have the exact same drumbeat. It’s a damn fine beat, it works well with just him, it works well for BSC, it even works well on a couple of Feist songs we all heard this year, it just doesn’t work enough to fill a whole album.

29) Tough Alliance – New Chance

The whole album is very listenable, but the first track is what blew me away. I wanted something special. Tough Alliance gave me something special: something real.

30) National – Boxer

I think this album is amazingly well put together and my initial fears (having seen these guys last year) was that they had missed the bandwagon on well-polished rock music and would be lost in the ensuing return to ramshackle acts (like much of the above and most of the below.) As it is, I still didn’t find a whole lot of mindblowing ingenuity here, but as rock albums go, this one is incredibly solid.

31) Deerhoof – Friend Opportunity

They finally made me a fan. The Perfect Me is my favorite Deerhoof track ever and the whole album really spiced up some late night painting sessions at my job. Repainting a whole hallway off-white? Why not throw your conscious into a mindspin with the unpredictable musical stylings of Deerhoof?

32) Interpol – Our Love to Admire

I don’t care what anybody says, half of this album is unbeatable. I actually really appreciate the grander gestures and expanded arrangements featured here. Rest My Chemistry, All Fired Up, No I in Threesome… I’d say these all stand up to the previous catalog. If only the other half weren’t so… mediocre?

33) Brian Jonestown Massacre – My Bloody Underground

Man these guys rock and they just don’t stop.

34) Chromatics – Night Drive

As the name implies, this is a great record for late drives home.

35) Klaxons – Songs of the Near Future

Energetic, lively, tight- this is where dance punk has ended up. It’s not so bad after all I suppose.

36) Christians & Lions – More Songs for Dreamsleepers

C&L had me by default. They took time out of their schedule to play Fort Nothing, and I’m an indentured servant now. So this makes the list.

37) Simian Mobile Disco – Attack Sustain Release

Can’t do the D.A.N.C.E. any longer? Take a break and do an unspelled-out dance to Simian Mobile Disco. Mixes well with Klaxons, Hot Chip, etc.

38) Blitzen Trapper – Wild Mountain Nation

Down home fun for all you wild mountain folk out there.

39) Liars – Liars

A turn for the accessible? How unexpected. Half of these songs sound like DFA1979, but you could hardly call that a bad thing, right?

40) Okkervil River – The Stage Names

In the absence of a new Decemberists album, longtime compatriots Okkervil River donned their stage paint and theatrical attitude to sing a jaunty tune for the indie crowd. Worth more listens than I gave it. Could move up in the future.

Way over Rated:

Before you hear my criticism, know that I have seen Dan Deacon and Deerhunter live and that I’ve watched Black Lips and LCD Soundsystem online quite a bit. They all put on great live shows, and it’s probably due to this that they have generated a lot of buzz this year. It’s just that in my opinion these albums do NOT stand up to the above, even though they are sung the praises of much better.

Black Lips – Good, Bad, Not Evil

I really thought this was over? Am I wrong or are these guys the Hives, only younger, more American, and poorly produced? And lyrically? Uh, what lyrics? Or was that the point? What am I missing here?

Deerhunter – Cryptograms

Not rocking hard enough, not melodic enough to be not rocking hard enough… they were okay live but these guys seem to be a half-good band riding on the recent hype surrounding weird indie rock.

Dan Deacon – Spiderman of the Rings

Sideshow act. Fat, bald dude in sweat suit. Glowing green skull and really trippy vocoding effects. Am I not taking enough drugs to get this?

LCD Soundsystem – Sound of Silver

This is not a bad album, it’s just not a great album. Sorry. It’s not mainstream for a reason. And hearing North American Scum in the mall is not helping my perception of its integrity any. Congrats on the mindblowing tour with Arcade Fire though.

Babies

2007-11-30T09:16:00.000-05:00

Babies smile as I walk by

They do not cry

I wonder why

Maybe time will tell that I

Have a softer side

I’m really kind

Despite

What my actions right now prove

It must be something they learn in the womb

That we forget as we grow long in tooth

Ask the babies, maybe they know the truth

Judgment swings so far and wide

Inside my mind

I’m never right

Anymore I’m giving up

On trying to duck

The verdict of

My life

Is my attitude really all that bad

Do boys pick poor rolemodels over dads

Cuz children seem to like me as I am

It’s easy for their minds to understand

My actions are so childish too

It must be something they learn in the womb

That we forget as we grow long in tooth

Ask the babies, babies know the truth

Medication

2007-11-29T20:24:00.000-05:00

This is the part of me that hates to believe in spirits
This is the part of me that thinks I have nothing to offer
This is the part of me that never finds me funny
This is the part of me that hopes disaster strikes

This is the part of me that pretends I'm only faking
This is the part of me that has great taste in movies
This is the part of me that has no interest in learning
This is the part of me that hates my old best friends

This is the part of me that wishes I was lonely
This is the part of me that screams inside my car
This is the part of me that downloads too much music
This is the part of me that's wanting to be famous

Poor John Mobius

2007-11-28T16:29:00.000-05:00

John is driving on the highway to meet his wife at work

He sees a spot of road construction ahead of him

He shifts lanes to avoid construction

He ends up behind a dump truck carrying gravel

Pieces of gravel fall off the top of the truck

The gravel bounces fast and high off of the road

A piece falls on John’s windshield

It splinters, cracks, shatters

John loses control and consciousness

He wakes up in the hospital

His wife is sitting beside him

She says that when he lost control the car drove off of a bridge

In the ensuing destruction, traffic below destroyed the bridge supports

It was a miracle John survived

He was almost entirely unharmed physically

The city has been rebuilding the bridge since the accident

It is almost repaired

Because of his accident John is extremely skittish

He is unable to hold a job

His wife must work to support them both

She takes a job farther north that pays better

The job is far more stressful than her last

She resents him for not working

John feels badly for being unable to work

He decides to surprise his wife for lunch

He knows he shouldn’t drive but gets in his old car anyhow

John is driving on the highway to meet his wife at work

He sees a spot of road construction ahead of him

He shifts lanes to avoid construction

He ends up behind a dump truck carrying gravel

Pieces of gravel fall off the top of the truck

The gravel bounces fast and high off of the road

A piece falls on John’s windshield

It splinters, cracks, shatters

John loses control and consciousness

He wakes up in the hospital

His wife is sitting beside him

She says that when he lost control the car drove off of a bridge

In the ensuing destruction, traffic below destroyed the bridge supports

It was a miracle John survived

He was almost entirely unharmed physically

The city has been rebuilding the bridge since the accident

It is almost repaired

Because of his accident John is extremely skittish

He is unable to hold a job

His wife must work to support them both

She takes a job farther north that pays better

The job is far more stressful than her last

She resents him for not working

John feels badly for being unable to work

He decides to surprise his wife for lunch

He knows he shouldn’t drive but gets in his old car anyhow

John is driving on the highway to meet his wife at work

He sees a spot of road construction ahead of him

He shifts lanes to avoid construction

He ends up behind a dump truck carrying gravel

Pieces of gravel fall off the top of the truck

The gravel bounces fast and high off of the road

A piece falls on John’s windshield

It splinters, cracks, shatters

John loses control and consciousness

He wakes up in the hospital

His wife is sitting beside him

She says that when he lost control the car drove off of a bridge

In the ensuing destruction, traffic below destroyed the bridge supports

It was a miracle John survived

He was almost entirely unharmed physically

The city has been rebuilding the bridge since the accident

It is almost repaired

Because of his accident John is extremely skittish

He is unable to hold a job

His wife must work to support them both

She takes a job farther north that pays better

The job is far more stressful than her last

She resents him for not working

John feels badly for being unable to work

He decides to surprise his wife for lunch

He knows he shouldn’t drive but gets in his old car anyhow

Bus Wreck

2007-11-28T14:17:00.000-05:00

At first I was thrown too far off-balance to wonder what had happened. The noise was the only sensation invading my mind as I tried to scurry off of the hard, wet floor under my hands and knees. Children were yelling and screaming and even crying already. The bus driver was on the intercom immediately; she was shouting sedative phrases at a volume that pierced the commotion it was trying to control.

“Everybody calm down! Quiet! Everyone sit down! Be quiet and sit down!”

Most of the kids ignored the request. I listened. I sat down on the seat I had been kneeling on a few moments earlier. I always sat in the back so I could see everyone in front of me. Right now that was too much to see, so I hunkered down and allowed my brain to review the sensations it had just experienced.

There had been a loud noise. Swerving. Disorientation due to the sharp reduction of momentum and the side to side swaying of the school bus. That’s when I must have hit the floor.

The inside of the bus was now erupting with children’s voices. I chanced a look out the window.

Grey sky. That’s wasn’t right. It should be the trees that line the established suburban roads that sliced up the neighborhoods surrounding our school.

Ignoring the deafening roar around me I crept across the vinyl seat and onto my knees to peer out the window. Before I could see outside I looked down and noticed Tommy Harrison sitting calmly on the seat in front of me with his knees drawn up to his chest. His back was to the window. I suddenly remembered him standing up with his head against the glass before it all happened. Now he looked up at me and shook his head. His eyes clearly said “don’t look.”

But I looked.

The bus was sort of sideways across an intersection where two neighborhood entrances faced each another. We had been on the main street between the two and somebody had tried to cross over. That explained the loud noise. A red sedan was setting up against the outside of the bus with its belly up. The wheels of its left side were reaching toward the sky.

People were getting out of stopped cars on the other side of the bus. I saw them scurry around the damaged vehicle, a few stopped to kneel down and see the person inside. A larger group ran around the front of the bus to check on us. From where I sat we, those of us in the bus, looked fine. I focused on the outside again.

A man in a black baseball cap got on his belly to see under the sedan which was lying against the bus. He craned his neck to catch a glimpse through the front windshield. From my raised position above him I could’ve spit on his back with no trouble. He suddenly got up quickly and made a pained expression of recognition. He took off his hat and slapped his mostly bald head with his empty palm. After this gesture of exasperation he ran around to the front of the bus. My eyes followed him until he disappeared around the corner.

I heard the bus door open and he leapt up the steps and leaned toward the bus driver. Her arm dropped as the man spoke, still holding the intercom transmitter. Her face squinted up before going deadly serious. She looked back at the first few rows of panicked children, scanning the faces for one in particular. Upon finding it she looked away quickly, dropped the intercom, and dropped her head in her arms on the steering wheel.

The man with the black hat also dropped his head. Then he placed his hat back on top and took a deep breath. In an attempt to balance out the pandemonium around me I looked down again at Tommy. He was still shaking his head. A tear was on his face. He had seen it all.

The man with the black hat walked back to the third row and looked down at a girl named Melissa. She had blonde hair that was almost white. She looked scared. She was younger than me. The man knelt down beside her and explained something terrible. I can only guess what words he used to communicate the sudden misery Melissa was about to experience. I was distracted by the sound of sirens.

The next few minutes passed quickly. A police officer was on board in a flash, organizing children into a steady exit stream. I was blinded by the reflection of ambulance red on the pale bus windows. A fireman made a great deal of commotion just behind me. Apparently the emergency door was stuck, so I would have to wait my turn. As my classmates disappeared down the big black steps at the front of the bus I turned to sneak a last look at the wreckage below me. A stretcher was rolling towards the car. Police officers were keeping traffic at bay. A fireman had wrenched the upside-down passenger door open and was reaching with the help of another to remove the men inside.

I recognized Melissa’s older brother, Jason. He was a fifth grader when I was a first grader. He had been a hall monitor. All the other girls thought he was the cutest in the Christmas program so some of them had tried to get bathroom passes when he was working. I never had a crush on Jason. I thought Terry Jackson was the cutest in the program. He was only in third grade at the time and I thought maybe when we grew up I would have a chance.

Jason didn’t have a chance. Neither did the driver. I didn’t know him for sure, but his bloodstained mustache and balding head made me guess it was Melissa’s dad.

One of the “rescue” workers tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Come this way please.”

That’s when I decided that nobody on the scene needed rescuing. It was too late for Melissa’s brother and her dad. It was too early for the rest of us.

Deer Me

2007-11-27T14:18:00.000-05:00

Deer scare the shit out of me. I am not joking; I am really afraid of deer. I drive a lot and I live in the midwest. It's deer season. I am scared.

This weekend we drove to Kalamazoo, MI for a show at a new venue called Dino's. On the way we saw a car on the other side of the road with the passenger side of the windshield demolished and paramedics surrounding it. Animal attack.

On the way home I shifted lanes in the dark only to find the pieces of a deer strewn all about my lane, most remarkable being the upper torso and its still gleaming eyes staring right towards me (dead things can't stare "at" you, only "towards" you.) I freaked, but couldn't steer around it. The tires went bump on that awful head. Twice more we saw bloody streaks, a foot or two wide in some places, leading off of the road. Where did the animal go? Did it drag itself away? If it lives, is that a failure?

See, I think these deer are on a kamikaze style mission. I think they get overpopulated in the area, some of them can't find mates, they get really depressed, they decide to end it all and take some of those wasteful humans with them and they go for it. Human lives are taken. These beasts must be hunted and killed. They must be hunted by others though, because I'm very intimidated.

When we were finally back in Fort Wayne I was driving along Dupont Road and in the opposite traffic lane I spotted two deer standing at ease. I was terrified. Any moment they could leap into my way. Well, they weren't quite ready like Biggie Smalls, so they stayed put. But they eyeballed me like I was a small boy, something with no balls, a pathetic inferior with my life in their hooves.

I know anybody reading this probably doesn't care and doesn't believe me but I shook for ten minutes straight. My wife felt my arm and it was like a cheap rubber basketball of goose flesh.

Not convinced? Look at this shit:

A cross between a cougar and a deer. Terrifying.

An actual five-legged deer.

Scary shit okay. And regular deer are too.

The Things About Thanksgiving

2007-11-26T14:22:00.000-05:00

The things about Thanksgiving I will not forget:

- My uncle and my great grandmother arguing over whether whipped cream should be put on the whole pumpkin pie, or administered by each individual up to the amount of their choosing.

- My mom and dad playing Guitar Hero II.

- Finding out that my uncle and I went to the same elementary school, had some of the same teachers, and that we have a flat tire and a dead battery (both) in the parking lot of said school.

- Remembering that I like babies.

- Hearing freshly mastered tracks off of the upcoming Vampire Weekend LP.

- Drinking beer in front of my family.

- Seeing my mom drink beer for the first time.

No. Don't Worry. I'll Do It Myself.

2007-11-23T09:20:00.000-05:00

Basically it's time to stop guessing around and start to formulate this elusive sensation called inspiration. I'm getting organized: cameras, microphones, motion-sensors... it's going down. I'm really going to catch it this time. I'll trap that golden-egg laying slave of my happiness once and for all. Wish me luck. And sanity.

Mulholland Drive

2007-11-18T09:38:00.000-05:00

So it'd been a while since I'd watched a movie that left me brain-chewed. But I've been working through David Lynch's amazing filmography and last night I ended up on Mulholland Drive. Apparently when you buy this film it comes with a list of 10 clues to help you figure out the movie, or at least guide your interpretation. Well, needless to say, the video store forgot to include that little detail and my friend Eric and I (the only ones determined to see the end after everyone else got too frustrated to finish,) gave each other blank stares when the credits rolled.

So it makes sense now; it makes sense now that I've gone online and looked up a few interpretations of the film and discovered the clues I never had at my disposal. The last movie I took this way was Donnie Darko, a movie with even less resolution that I enjoy, regularly, but which has been blown out of proportion in my mind. These movies really gather a following by demanding that the viewer take ownership. It's brilliant in one way, but at the same time it sort of masks some shoddy film making. I don't mean this about Mulholland Drive. Even if it had ended a random assortment of 3-5 minute puzzle pieces with no picture it would still be a beautiful and intriguing film. Donnie Darko: not so much.

I think people, once they've been suckered into "figuring out" the film they just watched, take possession of their entertainment in a way that makes them unable to criticize some of it's flaws. They want it to work, so they don't feel they've wasted their time, so they make it work. I think Vanilla Sky's failure was that it didn't leave viewers confused enough at the end. It has you pretty bewildered right up until the last ten minutes or so and then it spills the beans. So with Vanilla Sky, you can remain aloof, tie the film up in a little bow and add it to the list of films you saw. It never ascends to the list of movies you "figured out" like Donnie Darko or Mulholland Drive, these movies you have to do extra-curricular work to make sense of.

Anyway, on to Eraserhead and Lost Highway.

Fame and Respect

2007-11-16T13:29:00.000-05:00

I want to be famous. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. That is, I'm not sure which role I want to fulfill in society. But I'm sure I want most everybody to know that I'm doing it. Up until about three weeks ago I was fairly convinced that I didn't care if anybody liked me; I just wanted them to know about me.

The problem is, that I'm a pretty likeable person. At least I think so. I mean, I bitch nonstop on this blog shit, but in person I'm pretty easy to like. So if somebody really despises me, chances are they don't know me all that well.

I used to say that I could get any woman. Literally any woman. All they'd have to do is get to know me. I'm not the most attractive guy physically, but I've got some pleasant features and my future seems to be going places (hey, I'm planning to be famous) so I figured I had a chance with anybody who'd give me one. Fortunately my wife felt this way too, so we hooked up and yeah, look where that went. People just need a chance.

Think about it: most everybody is pretty likeable. Even villains. Take a look at film. The only villains that you despise are the ones you never get to see both sides of. Every villain has a softer side, a vulnerable side that was exploited to make them villains. And we're all weak in some way, so we can identify with villains, so any villain you get to know is pretty difficult to despise.

I'm not saying I'm a villain. Or at least that's not exactly what I'm saying. But I think that if people dislike me it's because they haven't seen the other sides of me. They're probably judging by one smallish example of my personality and not taking it in stride with the rest of me. If you got to know a well-rounded picture of me you'd see that I care about more than just myself (shock.)

So lately I've been really careful around people I just met. They don't have a lot of material at their disposal to use in measuring my comments, so if I make a wrong move that could be the most they ever get to know of me. Once they spend a good amount of time with me I can feel more comfortable to act like a jerk or joke around about their problems, etc. (villain type behavior)

The prospect of fame is really frightening to this newly sensitive me. All anybody ever gets to know of you is those single comments. You have to be careful all the time. And yet, few well-behaved people ever make history. Predicament.

I need to find something righteous to be villainous about. Those are the folks that get attention and respect both. I think.

The Video Store and Its Children

2007-11-15T17:16:00.000-05:00

I cannot be trusted in the video store. I cannot be held responsible for being late to classes, appointments, family gatherings, etc. after being sent to the video store to pick up a film. Time spent at the video store is difficult for me because I take pride in what I watch and watch only what I want to tell about later.

Some would argue that I watch far too many movies. I would argue that the only way you can watch far too many is if you're watching the wrong ones. I mean, come on: by a percentage basis I've really only seen about ten percent of the films at my Family Video Store. Granted only about fifteen percent are worth watching, but that's just my point. If you stray outside that fifteen percent then you're watching too many. I watch more than the average fellow, but I'm still well within the quality range, so I'd say I'm doing fine.

The people that think I watch too many movies are in one or both of the following categories. Category A sees the issue on a purely numerical plain and assumes that anyone who watches more movies than they do is unhealthy. Category A folks are usually convinced that anybody experiencing more than they do is clearly overexperiencing and should slow down so Category A personalities like themselves don't look utterly boring. Category B contains people who have poor movie selection skills and watch whatever looks good based on the cover of a film or the amount of advertisements or recommendations they've heard about it. These people naturally blunder into a ton of shitty movies and therefore assume that anybody watching more films than they are must be watching even more shitty films.

People that actually watch more movies than I do are similar to the people who, when asked "what kind of music do you like?" they say "I listen to everything." These are the people who lack a critical skill, the ability to discriminate between worthwhile, or even more enjoyable art. In movies, these Category C people are like Category B folks in many ways, only they don't realize that they're swallowing shit. They even go on to recommend the shit to Category B folks who receive so many Category C recommendations that they go out to the video store and burn themselves again on another log of canned characters, rotten dialog, miserable acting, and cookie cutter plotline.

You can't take recommendations from Category A, B, or C people. The first two don't watch enough, and the third watches too much. You've got to be the perfect balance. You've got to watch enough to know what's out there, even watch enough to know what's quality, and then stop before you start to watch just anything.

I myself am caught at the point where the remaining 5% of movies in the video store that are worth watching but which I haven't seen yet, are getting tougher and tougher to identify and I don't trust anybody to tell me which ones they are. That's why I walked around Family Video by myself for 52 minutes this afternoon.

Posting My Thoughts Is Not My Forte

2007-11-15T11:30:00.000-05:00

Sitting on the back porch of my, oh wait I don't have a back porch.

Standing outside on the deck of my second story apartment I can see the leaves are bright yellow. The color is similar to the sun which has failed to make an appearance today. The rain drizzles on, occasionally thickening to sleet. I like icee drinks. I hate it when God dumps them on my head. Just kidding, God. But really, I hate it.

Tonight the band practices again. I wrote new songs to rehearse. We'll see how that goes. I better come up with some more specific musical ideas. Coming up with them on the spot isn't really anybody's forte. What does it mean to say something is your forte anyway?

forte1 [fawrt, fohrt or, for 1, fawr-tey] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun

1.	a strong point, as of a person; that in which one excels: I don't know what her forte is, but it's not music.

2.	the stronger part of a sword blade, between the middle and the hilt (opposed to foible).

So there you go. Apparently not related to the musical term with the little angled line above the "e."

What astonishingly interesting information that is. What a lame first post. What a good time to go to class and think about how I'd rather not be alive than go to class. By the way, I think there's a big difference between wishing you were dead and wishing you weren't alive to be doing what you have to be doing at a particular time. The latter implies that you would like to be alive and doing something else. I'm that one.