Anyone Who Says Differently is Selling Something

I really love my band. It's a powerful motivator. It makes me want to be better.

Tonight it also made me want to die. But not till afterwards. If only I'd just stayed home and made somebody else happy.

Possible tracklist for a new album:

01. Silence as anticipation
02. ... as assurance
03. ... as peace
04. Silence as inexpressible pain
05. ... as exclusion
06. ... as manipulation
07. ... as a weapon
08. Silence as desperation
09. ... as a resolution
10. ... as a final choice

Sounds emo as all hell, huh? Maybe a "clever" album title like Silence as the Grave would fit nicely. I guess I'll have to change my performance name to As Autumn Leaves Burn In Flames Becoming the Ashes of My Fallen Tears. I'll have to die my hair black and use a flat iron to make it hang all jagged in my face. I'll have to wear eyeliner. Actually, damn! This is starting to sound awesome!

On a more serious note, I'm studying Epicurus in philosophy. Today we redefined hedonism and it actually sounds pretty good. It's all about ultimate pleasure, not just pleasure in the moment, but making choices based on the best pleasure, which often means delaying gratification or working hard to achieve better pleasure in the future.

It's also all about avoiding pain. And in the words of Isaac Brock: "If life's not beautiful without the pain, when I guess I'd really rather never even see beauty again."

Wanted: Purpose

So much for productive blogging. I have nothing I care about enough to post anyway. Except a lame want ad.

Seeking: purpose and meaning for life that surpasses overwhelming sense of doldrum. Must be... hell, it can be anything. Must not force me to believe unprovable nonsense that I will eventually shake off as a load of shit.

Offering: hard work with great success when motivated.

Warning: difficult as hell to motivate.

Oh god, somebody I know has the most difficult disposition when she's groggy. And she's been sick for days. Sickness comes with a lot of sleep and sleeps means lots of groggy moments before, during, and after the act. That sentence was difficult to read. Oh well, nobody's reading. Anyway, I feel like the most annoying sack of rot on the planet when she's groggy. I'm incapable of pleasing (which I realize is more important to me than I'd hoped) and guilty if I try to escape.

That's all nonsense. I'm exaggerating.

But I still feel like I'm ready the way that Biggie Smalls and the Unicorns were.

Back From Florida, Despising Existence in Fort Wayne

Okay, this town isn't that bad, honestly. Nobody wants to hear me complain, especially not me. So I'll save it. I just hope that the weather turns nicer and everybody quits this sickness that's going around. And I hope I get a break from all of this catchup I'm doing at school. And I hope that this album I'm recording is the shit. I have seen the future, and there are people worshiping my music... never.

Back to class. During my break I think I'm going to post some real music reviews, change my layout, and update that music player at the bottom of the page. Should be fun. Damn, nobody's reading this. Who am I trying to convince?