minorrockstar

As it turns out I was born unlike any other human being. The chief difference is in the placement of my brain. Rather than all of it being stuck in my cranium, equal portions of my mind were rationed out to my head, chest, stomach, limbs, legs, and genitalia. All of my appendages are equally smart to one another. You would think that this unusual splitting of my brain would make me very different from most men, but if you feel that way then you haven’t thought it through.

On the contrary I am very similar to most men. My heart and stomach receive equal attention, each needing to be fed. My legs are always sore for having to carry my body. My arms tire of lifting everything my stomach needs. My penis dictates that I desire more than I can satisfy. My head is not as full as most heads are, but I take full advantage of my mind up there so as not to fall behind everyone who only uses a smidgen of theirs.

Of course there are endless conversations between them all, and these are tiring, but no more so than an average man’s work to regulate his body’s needs. My stomach formulates eloquent complaints when it is not full and my heart prattles on endlessly about its romantic needs. Such is also the case of my legs which are never satisfied carrying all the rest of the body around. When my feet are sore there is a shouting match between them over which is the more exhausted. My arms try to convince one another that one of them is larger and stronger. My head thinks it is more fit for intelligence than the others. My penis couldn’t care less so long as it gets wet now and again.

So you see, like most men, I’m only happy with half of myself at any given time. The rest of me is full of self-loathing and resentment.