This weekend we drove to Kalamazoo, MI for a show at a new venue called Dino's. On the way we saw a car on the other side of the road with the passenger side of the windshield demolished and paramedics surrounding it. Animal attack.
On the way home I shifted lanes in the dark only to find the pieces of a deer strewn all about my lane, most remarkable being the upper torso and its still gleaming eyes staring right towards me (dead things can't stare "at" you, only "towards" you.) I freaked, but couldn't steer around it. The tires went bump on that awful head. Twice more we saw bloody streaks, a foot or two wide in some places, leading off of the road. Where did the animal go? Did it drag itself away? If it lives, is that a failure?
See, I think these deer are on a kamikaze style mission. I think they get overpopulated in the area, some of them can't find mates, they get really depressed, they decide to end it all and take some of those wasteful humans with them and they go for it. Human lives are taken. These beasts must be hunted and killed. They must be hunted by others though, because I'm very intimidated.
When we were finally back in Fort Wayne I was driving along Dupont Road and in the opposite traffic lane I spotted two deer standing at ease. I was terrified. Any moment they could leap into my way. Well, they weren't quite ready like Biggie Smalls, so they stayed put. But they eyeballed me like I was a small boy, something with no balls, a pathetic inferior with my life in their hooves.
I know anybody reading this probably doesn't care and doesn't believe me but I shook for ten minutes straight. My wife felt my arm and it was like a cheap rubber basketball of goose flesh.
Not convinced? Look at this shit:
A cross between a cougar and a deer. Terrifying.
An actual five-legged deer.
Scary shit okay. And regular deer are too.
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