Quick Update:

I'm still capable of being more of an asshole than I had hoped as evidenced by my spooning watermelon juice onto a friend's jeans last night to win a futile argument. And then saying, "That's a victory for me."

I still hate the job that I have to start back to in the morning since it makes me feel like less of a man to be working for The Man. But then again, making money to support myself makes me feel like more of a man, so I guess the two cancel out. I'm still as much a man. I hope. What even is man?

I still can't cope with my sister since I managed to pass by her and make a silent joke without having to really talk to her the other night at the mall.

I still wonder if this album that the band is working on (mainly Rudy and I) will amount to anything at all. I really want to tour. I don't know if I'll be able to. The old plan was to be done by now so that we could start putting ourselves out there. I think I secretly hoped we'd get some attention before June so that somebody would book us a tour for the Summer. I should really stop keeping plans to myself.

Sorry, don't have any pictures of Jon in chaps yet.

Entheogens

This greatly amusing comic has inspired me to try for faith in a whole new way. All I need to do is contact a local dealer and purchase some entheogens to form my own personal link to God. Why let a church/mosque/temple help me out with this? I can get all messed up and do it myself! LSD Religious Pamphlet

Stress

This video blows my mind. It stresses me out. It makes me believe in a Hobbesian human nature where two humans in a "natural state" encounter one another and are immediately hostile. Alliances are only formed to further aggression.

How real is this? All I know is that it's freaky.

Let's Get Known

So hey, let's get known. If we keep it up, we can show the haters. It's gotta be soon, not later.

So begins the song Let's Get Known by the unbeatable Unicorns. Man, I wish I could write so honestly. When I try I just come off as a 14 year old brat trying to write shit poetry in his notebook before bed. Unfortunately I'm running right out of external problems to write about with any conviction.

Hmmm, how to draw the line between macro-generalized problems and the micro-specified mundane? Who knows.

Most of my favorite songs don't make a lick of sense. I can't even figure out what much of them means. Like Radiohead, Will Oldham, they leave out the full descriptions, but still provide such tedious details as to give vivid imagery.

Vivid images of who knows what. How do you write towards that?

I'm more worried that they don't even try and that the effort I use spells my failure with its very presence.

Silence as a Holster

Well, I ended up using those possible lyrics from an previous post and used a snappy title inspired by an even previouser (not a word) post. It came out in the form of a terrible recording in about twenty minutes. You can get the general idea here:

Silence as a Holster

Margot at the Wedding

Just finished Margot at the Wedding. Similar to the feeling I had after I finished The Squid and the Whale, I am frustrated that I took no notes. And I realize that if I'd taken notes I would have been frustrated that I hadn't just enjoyed the movie. These films really fall like a tree on the fence that divides comedic entertainment and uncomfortable revelation. There's so much to take in. It's really no wonder that Margot has such a low IMDB rating. Who would go to the movies and leave happy after they were subjected to such appallingly accurate representations of family? There's little to say about the films themselves, except to recollect what has been seen. You can't comment; the commentary is the entire film.

Man, what I would give to be able to capture so many lives with a piece of art. I feel like I am, in some way, a part of every character. My wife says, "Why does this guy make movies about my family?" The mental struggles portrayed are so lifelike that they make you really want to take notes so that you can recognize and avoid their perils in your own life. Or they make you want to go into complete denial. After all, nobody I know is as extremely messed up as the assholes on TV right?

Right?

Things I'm Afraid of Tonight:

• never being discovered
• being the kind of crazy person that knows they're crazy and can't keep from losing control
• wolves
• continuing a cycle of losing friends, gaining new ones, and losing those
• my house catching fire while I sleep
• losing a limb (especially a hand)
• going deaf
• zombies
• my libido

The Resolutionizing Thus Far

So far I haven't been doing very well with my NeYeRe (New Year's Resolution. (I came up with that on my own. (Yes. It is stupid. (So are multiple parentheses.)))) My attempts to reign in my crazy and be a better man have failed. In fact, I think that both of these options are too crowded out by the phony character I play when I'm at work to even fight over my mindset when I'm off the clock.

Tonight I experienced signs of mental instability in the form of mood swings which forced me to act like the silly, ineffective, (cute,) trying-to-be-funny self that I often indulge only to despise later in the evening. Honestly it was the thought of my beautiful bride which gave me an anchor to sanity again. However, once out of the pure crazy I then turned silly/eccentric. I amuse myself when I'm in that mood, hence the indulgence. Tonight I wasn't upset with myself afterwards, just a little worried.

Some concrete words to say about my struggle thus far:

Sometimes I want to be stoic and strong and a pillar of compassion.

Sometimes I just want to get laid.

Tonight I am finding ways to be ugly.

This should explain the mustache.

Deer Me

Deer scare the shit out of me. I am not joking; I am really afraid of deer. I drive a lot and I live in the midwest. It's deer season. I am scared.

This weekend we drove to Kalamazoo, MI for a show at a new venue called Dino's. On the way we saw a car on the other side of the road with the passenger side of the windshield demolished and paramedics surrounding it. Animal attack.

On the way home I shifted lanes in the dark only to find the pieces of a deer strewn all about my lane, most remarkable being the upper torso and its still gleaming eyes staring right towards me (dead things can't stare "at" you, only "towards" you.) I freaked, but couldn't steer around it. The tires went bump on that awful head. Twice more we saw bloody streaks, a foot or two wide in some places, leading off of the road. Where did the animal go? Did it drag itself away? If it lives, is that a failure?

See, I think these deer are on a kamikaze style mission. I think they get overpopulated in the area, some of them can't find mates, they get really depressed, they decide to end it all and take some of those wasteful humans with them and they go for it. Human lives are taken. These beasts must be hunted and killed. They must be hunted by others though, because I'm very intimidated.

When we were finally back in Fort Wayne I was driving along Dupont Road and in the opposite traffic lane I spotted two deer standing at ease. I was terrified. Any moment they could leap into my way. Well, they weren't quite ready like Biggie Smalls, so they stayed put. But they eyeballed me like I was a small boy, something with no balls, a pathetic inferior with my life in their hooves.

I know anybody reading this probably doesn't care and doesn't believe me but I shook for ten minutes straight. My wife felt my arm and it was like a cheap rubber basketball of goose flesh.

Not convinced? Look at this shit:


A cross between a cougar and a deer. Terrifying.


An actual five-legged deer.

Scary shit okay. And regular deer are too.